♥ Jenna’s Blog: Just @bout Anything ♥

If I knew it would be the last time that I’d see you fall asleep,

I would tuck you in more tightly, and pray the Lord your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time that I’d see you walk out the door,

I would give you a hug and kiss, and call you back for just one more.

If I knew it would be the last time I’d hear your voice lifted up in praise,

I would tape each word and action, and play them back throughout my days.

If I knew it would be the last time, I would spare an extra minute or two,

To stop and say, “I love you.” Instead of assuming you know I do.

So just in case tomorrow never comes, and today is all I get,

I’d like to say how much I love you, and I hope we never will forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old a like,

And today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you’re waiting for tomorrow, why not to do it today?

For if tomorrow never comes, you’ll surely regret the day

That you didn’t take that extra time for a smile, a hug or a kiss,

And you were to busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today, and whisper in their ear,

That you love them very much, and you’ll always hold them dear.

Take time to say “I’m sorry,” “Please forgive me,” “thank you” or “it’s okay.”

And if tomorrow never comes, you’ll have no regrets about today.

— by: Norma Cornett Marek —

Ever since I fall in with this guy, my life has once again feeling so lively. It was my happiest moment though. As days goes by, my love for him have become more each and everyday. All this while I have always know what love…is. It may brings us hope, happiness and so does sadness or heat-broken.

When I knew that my love for him been growing, there are times where I’m feeling insecure with our love. For example, when he didn’t text me or send sms to me, I will start to think nonsense… Did he mad at me? Is he too busy until forget me? Did he fall in love with other girls already? There are thousands of questions which can suddenly pop into my conscious mind. In reality, there are always no promises for tomorrow and on what will happen in future. He may be leaving me someday or either one of our heart and feeling may change. A real long term relationship couple of cause for sure wishing to have a steady and looking for love for real and it is no longer where people so called, puppy-love. Everyone also wish to have someone as their life time companion and so do I.

Even now he is studying a far, of cause for sure I still very love him and I have always believed that our love is strong… but… when days goes by where we are distance apart and we less have the chance to meet each other, everything has become so hard. It happens that there is a gap between us and the gap is getting distance and distance. Sometimes, I really worried if our love will turn sour someday. I have once fall to ground and hurt so bad because of this love stuff and I really don’t want this to be happen in my life again. I should have known about this from the beginning when I’m willing to take this risk and to brave myself to step into love again. I missed him a lots and almost like crazy. I know so does he felt that way too. There are times when I’m wondering how long shall we go on like this? Can we able to bear and to go through this loneliness? Nobody wants to be lonely in this world. Especially those who already got their love partner, it will be very suffer for them… where it is just like the love birds where can’t live without companion. I’m confused but I love him very much and so does he.

The only things that I have always remind and motivate myself to be strong and to never easily give up. Though now it may be hard for both of us… maybe in future our lives will become far more much better? I did hope and wish that we will be together forever, married and to have family together with as well. Dear, dear… I really very love you.

18^th January 2009

It has been quite sometime since I last writing out my heart. I finally found someone who I can share my love with. It was my happiest moment to have the chance to get to know him from the beginning. It opens up my eyes and he shows me on how beautiful love is. I love him very much and he is always precious in my heart.

Even though now he is studying far away, but he will always remain in my precious heart. Though I may miss him a lots, but I can’t be so selfish… I could understand how stressful, lonely and bored his life studying there. No matter what, he has to finish and graduated his study for his family and future.  Dear, no matter how hard, you must not easily give up. I will always be there and close in your heart. I will always right here waiting for you whenever you came back. Gambate ne…

There are times where I have the thought of wanted to be with him and spend my whole life with him such as to have and started a family with and always together. Well, you see… of cause I felt very lonely though when he is not around. We are just like glue, we are very close and I believe our love is strong.

I just don’t know how to express how much you are meant to me. Not even a single word can tell the way I felt for you. I really hope we can be together forever. I just want to say I Love You each and everyday since 27^th April 2008, my dear.

 –  I Love You –

14^th December 2008

It is very rare for us to be able to see rainbow appears naturally…

I happens to capture this moment during sunset. (which I uploaded in my friendster’s account as well titled, “Rainbow on Sunset”).

Does that means that was a memorable day? Or does it carried some kind of special meaning? I’m wondering..

Anyhow, it is the most beautiful rainbow scene I ever seen. Maybe enjoy the scene with someone special will makes everything far more better and more breath-taking?

12 November 2008

So many things happened in my life since I’m living at KL. I’m learned a lots from my life experiences. Happy things that happens seems to be very few and can be easily be forgotten but not for the sad one; where it will always stay even though we had always try so hard to erase them all. Some of those difficult and filled with sorrow path; where I once lost friendship because of love, lost closeness after so many incidents happens between my roommates & housemates… but unfortunately, no matter how sad, sorrow, horrible or terrible it was… life always goes on.

Sometimes, I’m quite lonely here and really wish I could opens up myself to get close and friends with my new roommates and housemates… but in the end, I let myself staying in the corner, to be very quiet and keep everything to myself. I wanted to share and care for them but in the end, I was acting the other way round to just don’t want to bother, concern or care any single things about them. I know that they may think that I don’t want to mix with them and am not
friendly. I can understand the reason why they misunderstand about me.

Well, to tell you the truth, one of the reason I put myself out of the group is because of I know one of my housemates talking or gossip about me behind my back. I’ve been having and carrying this thought that, since they already misunderstand about me, there’s nothing for me to go explain about and to just let them be; as me, myself know what’s right and what’s not… will do (Well, this makes me thought of a Cantonese and/or Chinese phase “the sky have eyes”… hahaha =D… very funny). I believe what goes around comes around. While the second reason will be that the disappointment I faced before who I categorized them as my favorite roommates; once who I trusted and treated her as my best friend and the other one who I thought she was very friendly and having good impression with, turns out to be the upside down… reminds me of a phase “Don’t judge a book by its cover” (=_=).

After all these things happened to me, how am I suppose to easily trust and to get close with my new roommates and housemates now? It is not that I don’t want to. On the other hand, I really wish and desperate to be really friends and close with them but… it is just so hard for me. It was like I’m having some kind of mentally sickness. I wonder why all this happens to me? It seems likes I’m the only one who have this problem but not them. Am I having a psychology problem here? What is wrong with me? Does anxiety takes over me? …Like I’ve become unreliable? Damn.

15 July 2008

It really touched my heart when I’m reading this book, “An Hour to Live, An Hour to Love” by Richard Carlson and Kristine Carlson. How touched to have someone who love you so dearly in the heart and express it all in a book? In my own opinion, for that someone who enable to writes those touched story must be having a very pure true love from within.

It is a true love story which “he writes to his beloved wife and the love with which she answers, provide a teaching for all of us: on life, on death and on the existence of a spirit that transcends them both.” – said Marianne Williamson, author of A Return to Love and The Age of Miracles. I agreed with it.

Here are a few words that I found interesting:-

“You will be remembered most, not from your accomplishments in life, but for how well you lived and how much love you carried in your heart.”

“Not to take life for granted, and to be grateful for what we have, treating life as the miracle it truly is.”

It is a simple, ordinary yet nice love story; Touched Love Story.

On the following pages of this book, it have a few pages for you to written down your own answers to the questions, “If you had one hour to live and could make just one phone call, who would it be to, what would you say, and why are you waiting?”

My Answers:-

I wouldn’t make any call if I had one hour to live because it may brings more sadness and grief to that someone or may be when in the line, I could just said those three words. For me to say it more, I would rather leave a note this way;

“No one knows what our future holds and as for the living someday somehow will meets its death. Everything have its beginning and ending. 

You showed me love that I couldn’t find or learn from my family and friends.

Ever since I met you, for my life started from a small green garden that then blossoms and filled with colorful and beautiful flowers; as for you had showered them well with warms and loves.

My life is already worthwhile as I had found you, my true happiness, so do I wish you found your own happiness.

We may walk a thousand miles to search for happiness, but sometimes, if we to slow down or stop, happiness will sure catch up and go towards you.

Life always goes on.

So my dear, don’t cry as I’m now going to a place where close to God; who created us and gave us a beautiful life journey to met each other with.

I only have one last wish that I hope you could grant it; which is to promise me to be happy; with the friendly warm smile on yours. Even I’ll miss that smile but I’ve always wanted you to be happy.

For our love, I believe it will be eternal…

“I – love – you.”

Sometimes I did asked myself… if someone have feeling for me… must I felt happy? Must I happy when I receive gift(s) on Valentine’s Day? I’ve been single for so long and I almost forget how really love is… Even out there, have some guys who fell in love in me… but I’m not happy at all. On the other hand, I did felt sad… because I’m still lonely. Besides, I also felt sorry as I may hurt those who I can’t reply their loves. Loneliness had become my very close friend and it won’t easily leave me.

Maybe it is my own fault… as I close myself up and not being open or giving chances to those around me. I just don’t know why that I rather lock myself up in my own world… to be a loner… Or am I afraid to step into this love thing? I just don’t get it… I don’t understand myself either.

Many girls might jealous at me and most people may think that I have everything; I’m not bad looking, have many boy friends and can get help easily whenever I needed them. To tell you the truth, I’ve always been try my very best for not to depend on others… but myself.

I’ve always remind myself to be strong and independent… where you may see it from my appearance… yet, deep inside, I admit that no matter what, I’m still just an ordinary girl who needs love, care and protection from harms… I’m still weak as a girl from within. I think most people don’t know the lonely heart of mine. Even do my tears fall, no one could know or see that. I’m not desperate to have a lover… Maybe, all I need is just a hug… a simple warm hug will be able to cure me, set me free and to put my heart at ease. Perhaps, I need love…

24 February 2008

Recently
there are lots of thing happened… I’ve been so heart broken and
sad over it. I admit that life is like this… has its ups and
downs… and there are many different kinds of people in this world.
I always heart broken causes by someone else, especially who is your
friends and close to you. I have a friend who I once treated her as
my close / best friend and was my best roommate before… but she
always again and again makes me disappointed. Now I understand that
money does spoiled one friendship. I understand her situation but I
didn’t expect her to treat me that way. I’m very heart broken as
so far I’ve always believe in her. Now she is leaving, without
losing anything or any single money… but left us behind with the
burden. I thought friendship should share and bear together… but I
was wrong.

I know
that I’m not supposing to written something that sensitive in my
blog here and I didn’t mean to attention this to them… I just
felt sad and want to express out my feeling here. I hope this doesn’t
make her feel bad… But anyway, I do want to let her know that I do
cherish and appreciate our friendship before and I’m sincere with
our friendship. We were once so close and I trusted her a lot. You
all may not know or aware that my tears are falling while I’m
typing all this… but, this is all the truth.

Besides
her, I did have another one friend who I had always been sincerely
and truly be friend with her. I admitted that sometimes I did doesn’t
like her and thought that she is rude as a girl… until I found out
that she is talking bad behind my back which is all not true. Again I
felt heart broken and disappointed of the friendship that I had had
with her so far. Sometimes, I did questioning myself whether when the
times we had spent together were all truly from the heart or she is a
faker. I kept on asking myself that why they treated me this way? Did
I done anything bad or wrong? Well, I don’t want to talk anything
bad further on those stories behind it as it won’t be any changes
on what had happened. Once the heart is broken, it will always leave
a scar there. It does hurt a lot… but I believe it will slowly been
forgotten. I didn’t angry at them but on the other hand, I felt so
sad… very sad.

Some
may have the thoughts that I’m not bad looking, I have friends
around me, whenever I need help, it will always be there for me… to
tell you the truth, I have nothing that always brings happiness or
benefits to me, myself! I’m not that kind of person who takes
advantages on others! All I have is my true self and I don’t like
pretending to be someone else, I didn’t hate anyone and I’m
always forgiving. Please, don’t treat me this way… it hurt.

All
this really “open up my eyes”… Furthermore, it makes me more
appreciated those good friends I have in my life. I will never forget
those who have been good to me. I’ll treasure them all and it will
always remains in my mind, heart and soul. It makes me realized the
heaven and the evil side of friendship… Shall I thanks to God for
me to experience and to meet with these different kinds of people? I
think I should. God is always watching from the above… What goes
around always comes around.

-
16 February 2008 -

Today I was so happy…
Didn’t sleep for the whole night and then straight away went up to Genting
Highland at 6:00am!! That was the craziest thing I ever done. Well, it is very
nice mix with my housemates and one of my housemate uncles. At first we having
dinner together near by at downstairs and then we all sitting there where
everyone seems to get stuck in their chair chatting all the way. As it was
Saturday night, we all planned not to sleep that early and suggested to go to
the Ampang Mount, Gasoline café. This was the second time I been there together
with them. I kind of very like the place there as it is on top of the mountain
and we can see a very breath-taking night scenery view of KL, which include KL
Tower and the KLCC, Twin Tower.

            After having a drink
and chit chatting all the way at there until they going to closed on 3am, we
went out to some other place to have supper… from there we ate “Bat Kut The” at
some where near Chow Kit…. Finally, after that we went up to Genting highland.
LOL… Cit can be lots of fun where I’m out of the blue and the “aunty life”
after work… and of cause everything have their pay off… it is also quite tiring
due to lack of sleep. When we are at Genting, we also went to the Casino…
trying to gamble about RM10-20 on the jackpot lines machine, play games &
etc. Oh –ya… 1 thing that I’m really happy and excited about was when I play
the basketball video games. I didn’t thought I could get a great goals… I even
score up to 95! I’m very proud of it though as I score up the points all by
myself… even though I seldom usually play those kind of games one… (*even my
housemate uncles only managed to score very little where they throwing all the
balls together*… Hehe… ^^). LOL… What a wonderful day that I wish to be
remembered. Having lots of fun =) 

~ 20 January 2008 ~

Since I came to KL,
many things had changed… I admit that I am as well. I didn’t used to be as
cheerful, crazy and active like the previous me when I’m still studying at my
home ground, Penang. I’m slowly changed and becoming more introvert type of
person now. As I stepped in working life, everything becomes more reality… most
people are protecting themselves… no longer can I easily find any true or
sincere friend… even if I do, it will be only within the range of my 5 fingers.
Loneliness had become a part of me and it never leaves me. No matter how far I
may go, it will always in the darkness shadow of mine.

Whenever I have free
time or didn’t work on weekends, I choose to stay at home often. I’m just
seldom go mix with others. For example my working place… sometimes, when I saw
my other colleagues laughing on their jokes and chit chatting all the way… I
just don’t seem to know on how to join them or to fix myself in. I only do all
the talking only when they approached me but not the other way round. I know
this is not the way I really want it to be from within deep inside me. I have
always wished to escape and be as free as the dove… Or maybe one of the reasons
is that I’m single? Sometimes, it does make me wonder that if to have a
“companion” can really help to set my heart free.

Whenever I’m
searching for my hiding place; a place where I can call my own, where I can
share my up and downs with… I just kept on losing trace… I could found no one who
I can really run to. This kind of feelings was just like I’m living alone in my
own world; a field of pure white snow. There is nothing for me to complain much
about it, I just accept the way I am. Maybe one warmest hug may safe me, shelter
me from harm and lightens up my entire burdens? I know this kind of silly
question will be always left unanswered. I think… that it may be just an
innocent and naive thought of mine. To tell you the truth, sometimes my tears
can just simply falling from my eyes without knowing the reason why… and yet no
one can help me rub the tears away and no one can even see those tears of mine;
tears that crying from my heart.

Today, I was so happy
that my colleagues invited me to join them for dinner. It is just an
unforgettable day… where I can laugh happily together with them, the way
where I have missed; a laugh where I had long forgotten to. Laughter may be a
good medicine to cure and lightens our soul but it doesn’t last. All the
happiness that I had had in my life seems to be very few and it can be just
easily fade away. As I know happiness may gradually ceasing to be visible from
our thought or mind, here I’ve written in down to be remembered.

The sadness part in
my life is all those sad memories that I had always tried so hard to erase them
all… but can never succeed. I believe human heart is always “fragile”. Once the
heart is hurt, it will forever leave the scar even though they are recovering
from hurt. Life can be very unique and special as our destiny folds; the journey
of our life will always await us… for us to explore. I believe someday
somehow God will answer to my prayer and grant my wish to come true and from
there I will find my true happiness. As I played my part here, I always remind
myself… no matter what my future holds, I will hide my every tears, to be
strong and try my very best to move on. Even though I may live in the world of
my own, I shall never forget this… “Never easily give up your life”.

~ 16 January 2008 ~